A Family Gets Cancer

Last month I joined tens of thousands of other advocates and cancer specialists at the annual meeting of the American Society of Clinical Oncology (ASCO). Like most, I hoped to learn about the newest research, and the latest breakthroughs in (lung) cancer.  With my basic knowledge of science, I absorbed a lot of information about genetic mutations, targeted therapies, advancements in the development of novel agents, and in some cases the disappointment of what were thought to be promising treatments.  I have included links below that summarize some of the sessions I attended at ASCO and the key message I took from each one. 

The one session that really resonated with me had nothing to do with breakthroughs or promising treatments.  It was titled A Family’s Year with Cancer.  In a panel discussion format, a family of four discussed their journey through a cancer diagnosis and how they healed as a family. They talked about embracing each other’s differences and managing to stay close despite their individual differences in life-stages, understanding, and coping styles.

I couldn’t help but draw on my own insights from the multiple cancers I have experienced with my family, both as a family member and now a patient.  Cancer is the sudden storm that rocks your boat when life is sailing smoothly on course. The waters are choppy and each wave is different, but if each person finds his/her balance, the boat can regain its equilibrium. Cancer is the same. Each family has their own dynamic and each member will respond differently depending on thier personality and age, but accepting each other’s way of coping and finding balance will help calm the storm.  

Growing up, my family weathered many storms. With each cancer diagnosis we traveled unknown waters, but quietly we would fall into our predictable roles.  No matter where we were in life, I carried the emotions, my mom was the worrier, my brother the instant expert, and so on.  We didn’t always understand each other’s coping style, but we respected our differences and we began to know what to expect from each other, and what to do to stay above water. 

 My own cancer diagnosis was a new ship set to sail. I’ve changed through my experiences. I am no longer as emotional and I now have a different family: me, my husband, and our four children. My husband is now the emotional one in our family, and I had to accept that he copes differently than I wanted or expected.  On the flip side, my husband had to accept that this wasn’t happening to MY family of origin, again. It’s now OUR family, OUR journey, and it doesn’t end after surgery and Tarceva like we both had hoped.  It continues with every doctor’s appointment and scan.  At first, my husband was able to evade all doctor appointments and, because of his coping style, I preferred that, but it caused disconnect. It only allowed him to be on the periphery of our family’s experience, when he belonged at the core!  He reluctantly came to my last appointment; it wasn’t fun for either of us, but we had to reconcile and accept that it’s okay to be at different points in our journey. We were in it together and that’s what keeps us above water.  

It is indeed the entire family that gets cancer and the challenges are unpredictable and unrelenting. Every family is different and needs to do what’s best for them.  It’s easier said than done, but many times it helps to hear how other families have survived the storm.